In 2023, we ran a consulting project with a financial services company to deep dive into their employee engagement survey results. The company wanted to truly understand what made working at their company great and what didn’t. Our job was to facilitate focus group sessions with employees to uncover these insights.
8 focus groups, 150+ staff, and lots of post-it notes later, there was one insight which truly struck us – the employees in this company understood the business needs and did not mind the heavy workload (late nights, weekends, OTs, month end rush – trust us, the workload is pretty heavy). What they wanted was simply to feel a sense of appreciation by the management.
The 5 Love Languages
Dr. Gary Chapman is a marriage counsellor and author of the bestselling book, The 5 Love Languages. The premise of his work states that people have different ways of giving and receiving love – much like languages we use to communicate with one another.
Imagine speaking Japanese to someone who doesn’t understand the language – they won’t understand what you’re trying to say! Similarly, you may be pouring tonnes of love to your partner or colleague but if it’s not communicated in a love language that they understand, they will not feel your love/appreciation.
In the workplace, Dr. Gary Chapman calls the 5 Love Languages the 5 Languages of Appreciation.
Discover your Love Language
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In the following screens, you will find 5 statements. There are no right or wrong. Simply pick the statement that most describes how you are most likely to feel, not how you wish to be.
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Group 1
Pick the statement that most describes how you are most likely to feel, not how you wish to be.
A friend/colleague says, "You really did a great job. I appreciate it."
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague unexpectedly does something in or around the office/house/garden that you appreciate.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague brings you a surprise treat from the store.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague invites you to go on a leisurely walk just to chat.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague makes a point of giving you a handshake, hug or touch you arm before leaving the office/house.
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Group 2
Pick the statement that most describes how you are most likely to feel, not how you wish to be.
A friend/colleague tells you how much he or she appreciates you.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague volunteers to do a job for you and encourages you to relax.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague brings you flowers/brings you a treat.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague invites you to sit down and talk about your day.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsYou enjoy receiving a ‘high 5’, hug, or light touch from a friend/colleague even if just passing from one room to another.
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Group 3
Pick the statement that most describes how you are most likely to feel, not how you wish to be.
During a gathering you hear a friend/colleague tell about one of your recent successes.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague cleans your dishes for you.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague surprises you with an unexpected gift.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague surprises you with a special outing.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague shakes your hand, pats you on the back, holds your hand or touches you in a loving, friendly way while at a public event.
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Group 4
Pick the statement that most describes how you are most likely to feel, not how you wish to be.
A friend/colleague praises you about one of your special qualities or abilities.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague brings you lunch.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague surprises you with a membership to something you've always wanted.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague plans a special night out for you and him/her.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague gives you a fist bump or high five when you did a great job.
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Group 5
Pick the statement that most describes how you are most likely to feel, not how you wish to be.
A friend/colleague tells you how much their friends/colleagues appreciate you.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague takes the time to fill out the long, complicated application forms that you had hoped to find time for.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague sends you something special through the mail.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague kidnaps you for lunch and takes you out to eat.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA friend/colleague gives you a back rub / shoulder massage or pays for someone to.
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Your primary Love Language is Words of Affirmation
Most couples exchange encouraging words, and business relationships benefit from them, too. Some clients won’t think twice about the company post-its you dropped off and will consider your monthly lunch meeting business as usual, but they’ll be ecstatic over a thank-you note sent for a purchase order or a meaningful email telling them how much you appreciate their business.
Even those you don’t necessarily have to “woo”—like your colleagues—value this love language too. Who doesn’t feel better, happier, or more productive when they’re told they’re doing a good job ? Sending a colleague a quick email when she’s done a great job on a project will speak volumes about how much you appreciate her work.
Even those you don’t necessarily have to “woo”—like your colleagues—value this love language too. Who doesn’t feel better, happier, or more productive when they’re told they’re doing a good job ? Sending a colleague a quick email when she’s done a great job on a project will speak volumes about how much you appreciate her work.
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Your primary Love Language is Quality Time
For some people, there’s nothing better than good, quality face time. This is often true with new or prospective clients who want to feel comfortable in a relationship before moving forward with a deal or partnership. For these types, sending an email every couple weeks won’t cut it—try taking them out for coffee or dinner, stopping by their office for a meeting, or finding a way to give them some face time on a regular basis.
Quality time is also extremely important in some company cultures , and many managers place high priority on how much time you spend in the office. Arriving early, staying late, and generally being visible at the office will count during reviews , and hustling out at 5 PM or skipping after-hours work events is frowned upon. In these environments, the best way to show you’re a team player is to show up—all the time.
Quality time is also extremely important in some company cultures , and many managers place high priority on how much time you spend in the office. Arriving early, staying late, and generally being visible at the office will count during reviews , and hustling out at 5 PM or skipping after-hours work events is frowned upon. In these environments, the best way to show you’re a team player is to show up—all the time.
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Your primary Love Language is Receiving Gifts
Just as a suitor sends an unexpected bouquet of flowers to someone he wants to impress, there are times when you might need to woo your clients or colleagues with a gift. Don’t worry—we’re not talking about bribes, kickbacks, or anything else that would go against your company policy.
Gifts in the workplace can also come in the form of information, like sending your boss or colleague a relevant article. And promotional items, boxes of treats, or a gift during the holidays can be meaningful gestures that are sometimes more appreciated than an office drop-by (especially for the “ I’m too busy for everything ” types). The point is to deliver something that shows you’re thinking about the person and that you’re actively interested in keeping the relationship alive.
Gifts in the workplace can also come in the form of information, like sending your boss or colleague a relevant article. And promotional items, boxes of treats, or a gift during the holidays can be meaningful gestures that are sometimes more appreciated than an office drop-by (especially for the “ I’m too busy for everything ” types). The point is to deliver something that shows you’re thinking about the person and that you’re actively interested in keeping the relationship alive.
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Your primary Love Language is Physical Touch
In a relationship, people who speak this love language like hugs, PDAs, and other physical contact. So what does this have to do with business? Quite a lot! Consider the dead-fish handshake or the death-grip handshake: Both make your colleague or client uncomfortable, and both make an awkward start to a business encounter.
This is also a factor when doing business overseas , as some cultures greet with a bow, a kiss, or a handshake. If you don’t consider the implications of your physical interaction, you may accidentally offend a customer or colleague. Forgoing an important physical gesture may signal that you’re cold and unwilling to do business, and if your colleague or customer values these interactions, no amount of quality time or gifts will make up for your faux pas.
This is also a factor when doing business overseas , as some cultures greet with a bow, a kiss, or a handshake. If you don’t consider the implications of your physical interaction, you may accidentally offend a customer or colleague. Forgoing an important physical gesture may signal that you’re cold and unwilling to do business, and if your colleague or customer values these interactions, no amount of quality time or gifts will make up for your faux pas.
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Your primary Love Language is Acts of Service
For some people, there’s nothing better than when their significant other goes out of his way to do the dishes, take out the trash, or get the oil changed. Similarly, for some customers, nothing will impress them more than an little extra service. It doesn’t have to be a huge effort, either—little things like hand delivery, discounts on fees, or saving your client time by making her travel arrangements can go a long way in making her feel special and appreciated.
Going above and beyond your typical call of duty is also a great way to delight your boss and co-workers. If your colleague is having a particularly stressful week and you have some free time, offer to proof her important report, or see if there’s something you can take off your boss’ plate.
Going above and beyond your typical call of duty is also a great way to delight your boss and co-workers. If your colleague is having a particularly stressful week and you have some free time, offer to proof her important report, or see if there’s something you can take off your boss’ plate.
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Express Care/Love in their Language
These are some ways and ideas you can express care and appreciation to people based on their love language. These may not be your own primary language, but learning to speak in their preferred language can go a long way in building rapport and making them feel appreciated.
